The Worry Doctor Answers Questions

Dear Worry Doctor,

I can't communicate with my parents — they treat me like a child. They want to know where I am all the time. They try to choose my friends for me. They won't let me stay out past 10:00. They won't let me date. They don't trust me to do anything at all. I'm 15, and my friends are allowed to date and stay out late. When I tell my parents this, they say stupid things, like "what if all your firends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off too?" They are really making me crazy and ruining my life. What should I do?

— Not A Child Anymore

Dear Not A Child,

You are not alone. I receive so many questions about this problem. Just as you're ready to take care of yourself you feel like you're not given the chance, and it does drive you crazy! I know there are a lot of kids with more freedom (and probably some with less). You have to be willing to work with your parents to earn their trust — there are no easy answers or quick fixes.

By doing what you need to do: working at school, having friends, not doing dangerous or illegal things, you are taking the first step toward negotiating with your parents for more freedom and its partner, responsibility. If you are not doing what you "should" be doing, you need to start. It's important that you be given the opportunity to make choices and explore the results of those decisions while you're still under the care and guidance of your family. However, everyday, your parents are being scared by the media hype about kidnapping, rapes, and drugs. They hold on tight in an effort to protect you.

Ask your parents how they define "dating" and what you need to do to get more freedom. Make a trial deal with them. Tell them you know they're worried, and tell them specifics about how you take care of yourself when you're away from them. Ask, if showing them you can meet a particular responsibility will earn you another half hour curfew, or are there ways they would feel you're safe if you did things a different way. Keep trying, trust the process, and I think your parents will listen. Hang in there, and keep talking together…

Until next time, take care,