We all have families: those from where we came, the ones we left and the families we've formed or found. They can be a safe harbor or a hornet's nest. Do any of these statements resonate with you?
- We're having a baby, and we want to be prepared, especially in our relationship.
- We've decided to divorce, and we want do what's best for the kids, but it's hard.
- I'm remarried, and my spouse's children don't respect me or my children.
- I think we still love each other, but we don't really communicate.
- My partner is jealous, maybe depressed, drinks too much and often gets very angry. It's not good for the kids, and I'm afraid of potential violence.
Family Issues
Understanding family dynamics will allow you to better cope with difficult situations. What happens to one person in your family influences all members of your family. If one person is distressed, depressed and/or disabled, it creates stress for the rest of your family which can trigger emotional problems and/or symptoms of psychological disorders in any or all family members.
Having children forces you to redefine your personal identities and your roles as partners as you assume your new roles as parents. You may find yourself struggling to balance your own needs with the demands of child rearing. It is not always easy, and you may need education and support to help with the adjustment and to allow you to enjoy your children.
If your marriage ends in divorce, you may experience frustration over unresolved conflicts, new financial burdens and awkward social situations that can leave you feeling overwhelmed. It helps to remember that your children are also experiencing upheaval in their lives and may be feeling overwhelmed as well. Try to be emotionally available to them, and you may want to reassure them that they are not the source of your problems.
Similarly, the dynamics of a blended family can be quite complicated. You may be haunted by ghosts of relationships past (yours and/or your partner's), and this can create stress between "new" family members, who may be dealing with emotional ghosts of their own.
To effectively cope with stress and ever changing interpersonal needs, try to make an effort to communicate honestly. It is natural to want to avoid discussion of painful issues that may cause conflict. However, this non-confrontational reaction may be misinterpreted as ambivalent or secretive behavior and may lead to feelings of distrust. Distrust can fuel resentment and jealousy, which sometimes lead to explosive outbursts and/or other inappropriate behavior such as excessive use of drugs and alcohol.
In tough times, your young and growing family can often benefit from the advice and nurturing of your extended family. When your extended family is unavailable or advice fails, professional assessment and help may be useful, particularly when actions become self-destructive or violent. If a member of your family is no longer able to perform expected social, school and/or work related activities, or if there are significant signs of emotional distress, counseling should be considered as an option.
Understanding Relationships and Self
Within my private practice and as a school psychologist, I have helped many different families resolve complex situations. The key to resolution is understanding. You can benefit from understanding yourself, your past history and your relationships to all your family members. Doing so will allow you to become more resilient and productive. Should you choose counseling, the therapeutic relationship becomes the crucible within which trust can develop, and understanding and healing can begin.
Recommended Reading
Here are some books that I would recommend as reading for parents:
- Parenting From the Inside Out
- by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
- The Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well
- By William Sears and Martha Sears
- The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child from Birth to Age Ten
- By Martha Sears